haiz. should i work in alexandra hospital?? my wish of getting into a university seems like being broken. no longer have the faith in getting into a local university. i want to get into NUS to do bio engineering. am i able to do so? may be something are suppose to just remain as a dream. anyway, i think i just have to work hard for my remaining modules. hope i can get As and Bs. may be i am not meant to get into a university. may be there is no place for me to go there. just work harder a bit. it is always like there in my head. work a bit harder. but my brain seems so exhausted after every paper. do well for the remaining last year. my only wish is hope that i am able to get into a university. i feel that i want to get quite badly. i dun noe why. may be i just dun want to start to work yet. i want to study.
nice pic taken with bme ppl. quite hectic actually but i enjoyed a lot of laughter with them
finally taking a break after two consecutive papers. had aem exam today. if i am able to get a cert for aem 2, i will like thank god. haha. i am shocked as someone say i look like i silm down and got abused by someone. haha. do i really look like i silm down. may be i should continue to have less rice and more veges and lean meat. 2 more papers and good bye to esa and FCS. yay.
many people say first love is the most unforgettable in most of people's lives especially to gers. may be women are emotional people. for my case, i am still unable to forget my first love but i try to move on with my life with those memories that i once had with him regardless of good and bad ones. people may think i am stupid to like someone who is no longer exist in this world. may be i want to be stupid to have feelings for that person. sometimes, when i saw them, i just supress my feelings for him in my heart. however, once someone mention abt him, i simply break down and cry. it is best not to ask that person who you like to forget abt his/her first love. you just have to live with it. try your best to gain your place in his/ her heart. may be wonders/miracles really works.
i just a news that i got 95 for BSPA final paper. the highest in place but still lose to wei jie's 100 marks for the common test. haha. i really don't care much. may be i can get top for BSPA. haha. in my dreams. sometimes, i think too much. haha. i am so sick of studying. it is like all memorising work and stuffs. haiz. 4 more papers seems like such a long time to finish them. i want to play and enjoy myself. but as what many people sae, no pain no gain. haha. i am gettting lame here. going to start studying DTLE soon. i hope that i can get like B for the final thing. just a B will do. haha.
thinking of whether i should go to langkawi with the BME ppl??? it is like 200 plus for 3 days 2 nites. they have snorkelling in the programme list. i do not know how to swim but it is like once in a lifetime experience. i am in such a dilemma. oh ya, todae is my brother's birthday. haha. i am awake and he is aslp. haha. he is hitting the big 30 which is usually the men's prime age. it really reminds me that i am getting 19 soon. like more than 2 weeks time. die la. i am an old person.
after looking through the pics that i once took with edric,i felt that i wasso much happier then. had lots of fun with him. may be as wat many ppl say" once you lost that special someone, you will tend to feel like treasure theperson". however, once the person is lost, he/she will lost forever in yourlife. they seems like erased away from your life. is life really not going to bring someone who is very special to me? may be i have too high expectationson guys? should i go with a guy who is in love with me for like 6 years? maybe he is really that guy who i has always been waiting for. why am i going after an ideal guy while i have an average guy who likes me? may be i shouldgive up my ideal bf and be with an normal guy who is able to give me a life that i always hope for? stop thinking of guys. may be i should start concentrating on my work and tinking where should i go for my attachment? i finished watching my lovely samsoon. i pretty much dun like the ending. as samsoon did not get married with sanshi aka zhenxian as the zhenxian's mother still object their marriage so samsoon still thinks that they will break up sooner or later. but the ending is pretty sweet as they kissed on the staircases with a rearing between them. awwwww. but still full house still the best. haha. dun feel like studying but i must. haiz. taking a break after tmr's BSPA test. haha 25%. quite high weightage. i am thinking of forever when i am getting the past that i still holding so close to me. i think i am not really prepared to let got of edric when i should. may be it is time for me to think about my future when i am not letting him go.
i am watching "My lovely samsoon". a lovely korean series showing me how two people from totally different worlds fall in love. a guy who is sentimental towards his first love and a ger will tend to get hurt from each relationship that she can not fall for a guy anymore. no one will believe that they ever fall in love together. one tends to give in and the other tends to take. is that really wat love is about? the guy in the series is so good looking. the ger is totally oppostie of every guy's ideal gf. the most romantic parts are that the guy keep smsing the guy saying why you dun reply me, you want me to die rite? and the guy walked up a mountain for the ger as he remembered wat he has promise her her to do with. i think this type of guy does not really exist in the world. it only exist in everyone's fantasies. may be he is somewhere beside me just that i did not notice abt him yet. haha. see how life goes. i got 89 for DTLE intermediate test. yay. haha. i finally see results of being hardworking. haha. i better start buck up a little more. i will miss all of my friends. when will my guy ever come to my life telling me that i am the one for you. haha. where are you? my heart really cried out for you. may be i have to supress my feelings of love in my heart to let my heart filled up with other priorities. i think my only wish after i retired is have a farm which able to keep a few kinds of animals. definitely have to have a horse. i love horses. that's my wish for like 8yrs. a farm with someone who i truly fall for and have a family with him there. relax and carefree. wat a life i always been awaiting for. i hope that it will not always remain just dreams for me. working hard towards that goal in my life.
wat i want for my birthdae?????
hmmmm
why all the guys who like me trying to tie me down? i want freedom and love that i deserved. i just want to do my things, trying to know that my friends are alrite and watch my favourite korean series. why they keep thinking that i am cheating him behind his back? am i like this in your heart? if i am like that, i rather you stop liking me. leave me alone. you simply don't trust me. i dun want a guy who love me too much or treat me like nothing. why can't i find a guy who likes me at a right amount. haiz. i want to be loved and love someone. argh. having attachment soon. i dun want to leave school like this. i am so worried of her. i dun want another person to be like that. i really hope that i can make her feel better. i really hope i am given the ability to do so. haiz. actually, everyone cares for you in school so please stop running away from us. hope everyone can pass BSPA with flying colours. haha
did a hair mask todae. yay. my hair looks better now. no longer dry. watching a korean series, my lovely samsoon. i love that show. wow. i did not know that i want so many things. haha. but haiz. dun feel like celebrating my birthday. can you imagine that you celebrating your cousin's birthdae and it is not celebrating together? how weird it is. i think i will cry if i go there. i feel that my bro knows how i feel sometimes as he was like don't go to the party and we celebrate your birthday together on that day. i was happy at that point of time. my mom was like may be not going as she think my birthday is more important than going there. may be celebrating my birthday at a club on my 21st birthday. haha. it must be something huge. haha. looking forward to that moment. invite all of my friends who are close to me. haha. hopefully attached at that point of time. i read someone's blog. how wonderful if the guy who you are with or married to, remember every small details of the relationship. knowing this fact, it simply able to make me cry like a baby. will anyone really sincerely accept my beauty and overlook my flaws. i am still struggling to believe that true love don't exist anymore after a few very bad experiences. guys have their ugly side. thinking of doing rock climbing and hiking after i graduated from np. may be try sky diving. haha. later i die of heart attack. hmmm. i will be a good ger this year, will angel be my guardian??
MY BIRTHDAY WISHLIST:
Your Love Element Is Metal 
For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience.
You attract others with wit and a bit of flash.
Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you.
Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life.
You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past.You Have a Melancholic Temperament 
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.
Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.
At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.What Temperment Are You?Your Love Life Secrets Are 
You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't?
You prefer a quirky, unique person to be your lover. You're easy going about who you're with, as long as they love you back.
In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. You logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so.
A break-up usually comes as a shock to you. You always think things are going well.Your Love Life Secrets, RevealedYou Are The Star 
Insightful and illuminating, you provide guidance for others.
You also demonstrate unselfish, unconditional love.
You posses many spiritual gifts, including the ability to heal.
Your fortune:
Your future is looking brighter by the day.
The near future will be a time of both hope and healing.
Luck is about to come your way, perhaps the best luck you have ever seen.
Life is about to get a lot easier and much better!What Tarot Card Are You?You Don't Have a Boyfriend Because You are Too Busy 
Whether you're legitimately busy or just making excuses...
... You don't give men enough of your time.
As nice as "instant love" would be, there's just no such thing.You Are a White Rose 
Your vibe: Sweet and heavenly
Falling in love with you: is like falling in love for the first timeWhat Color Rose Are You?You are a Brainy Girl! 
You know a little bit about everything, and you're always dying to know more.
For a guy to win your heart, he's got to share some of your intellectual interests.
A awesome book collection of his own doesn't hurt either!What Kind of Girl Are You?Your Relationship Will Last... A Long Time! 
At least not forever. He's somewhere between Mr. Right... and Mr. Right Now
No doubt your guy is a great catch - and generally good to you
The odds are, however, that someone better is out there!How Long Will Your Relationship Last?You Are a Flawless Beauty! 
You're the kind of woman a man would launch a thousand ships for
It's hard for anyone to beat you in the beauty department
But remember, it's okay to show a flaw or too - you've got plenty to spareWhat Type of Beauty Are You?Guys Like That You're Fun 
That's because you're cool, funny, and laid back
You're smart enough to know how to be one of the guys
But flirty enough to know how to make them all want youWhat Do Guys Like About You?You've Got Guys Lined Up Around the Block 
You get the most dates of any girl you know
It's your whole five star package that attracts men -
Your looks, your charm, and your ability tie a cherry with your tongue.Are You Attractive?
today is like i am so anxious as i have ibn interview. did not expect to what type of questions that the interviewer will ask. haiz. i spend quite long interview but i felt that my answers are like wat the interviewer wants to listen. not being honest har? i think wei jie feel quite bad as he told the truth to the interviewer so i feel that may be she thinks he is real and honest. i hope that he will get in. i will upload the pics on wed as i only get the pics on mondae and having tests on mondae and tuesdae. i hope that i am able to get into the ibn and everyone will able to go together. then have lunch together. haha. it is like so much fun then a person working there. haha.
having tests like next week: aem and BRE ( aka the killer subject) . my eyes are pretty much swollen still. cried last nite for a while. i just found out that my brother needs me to be strong in order to take care of my mom. i think i am unable to do so as i am too emotionally unstable right at this moment. i tend to get emotional easily. having projects due on next wednesday. die. i want to watch i not stupid 2. haha. *brain Freezing* *stoning* * Sleeping soon*. lacking of sleep lately. dun know why. better sleep early tonight.
Hungry! Hungry! i need to eat food. pls feed me. donate food to michelle's charity box. i having ibn interview on fridae. pretty much nervous. i onli know the 6 sectors and the executive director's name which is professor jackie yi ru ying. have to remember this name. 15 minutes interview. i am so nervous. i am afraid that i see ms adeline goh, my heart simply stop because of nerve breakdown.
i cried again. is it possible that i am suffering from depression? hmmm. i am unable to take it after telling my mom things that are not true about my past relationship with my first love. saying things like it is my fault that we end up broken hearts and i am not a good gf to him. things that i sae to make him seems so superior and make me feel like i am nothing than a ger who unable to speak up for her rights? am i such a ger? making me repeatedly thinking of the wonderful and bad things abt my first love. i always wanted to believe that it was the most wonderful thing happened to me. i really want to think that way. why do i have to make it sound like a extremely bad one and putting myself down to make her recover from her depression? it really affect me a lot. sometimes i will be like so stress up that i turn to panadols to relieve my stress and headache that i always have lately. will i be addictive to them? things are always against me. think may be i want to stay with my friends for valentine day as i dun want to get involved with guys. simply afraid that my mom will suffer depression again if i break up with next guy who my mom likes a lot.
today, i am pretty tired. thanks, guys ( jo, su, wan ting) for your help. i think without you guys, i will be clueless. it looks better now. thankfully, i still have the receipts. hope that we can claim back the lost of our stuffs twice in a roll. argh. it pretty much seems like pure sabotage. todae my mom went to the clinic and guess wat. my mom has mild depression. as wat i expected. hmm. just have to be understanding to her. tell her everything i know abt my ex to make her feel better. it is like trying to make me face the fact that i no longer with my ex and things can not be the same anymore. i just hope that i can be happier in life.
i think i have passed my lab test. at least i am able to get a higher gpa. i feel that i have been neglected by friends at times. may be i am not a nice ger to be friend with hmmm. it is alrite. at least i am trying my best to do well in my studies. main priority above all. friendship and relationship between gers and guys may not last. at least i know that i still have family with me. trying to make myself busy. or making new friends from the uni. may be i can be a loner. me, myself and i in my own world. a year without friends is pretty alrite i suppose. be alone for that period it is alrite. try to isolate in a world. have my own time with myself. may be i cried becos i felt lonely as no friend is there for me and parents are too busy for me. i still can not believe that i attempted to commit suicide since at a tender age of 10. you guys must be thinking that a ger at such a young age will think about death and suicide? may be she is sick of her life? being hit by belts, hangers and rulers by parents since young. a hidden shadow in me. no really bother about it anymore. the most important is that you have yourself.
{*She Loves*}
Chicken Pasta from New York New York
Dim Sum (Ha Kua and Fu Pi Juan)
Sun tan with friends
my darling
my friends
Travelling around the world
{*She Hates*}
people who backstab me
people who blame me for nothing
People who thinks that they are always right
{*Sweeties*}
gwen;
wen xu;
keshia;
sing yen;
sing wei;
shawn ang;
jiaxin;
wei ye;
siao ying;
Jee Cheng;
Adelynn;
Kong Chian;
kai ying;
liang wei;
Shi Qi;
fabian;
Irene;
lay yuen;
yu yin;
Pei Ying;
Salleh;
Marie;
kaiting;
Benedict;
kristie;
desmond;
yi hui;
alex;
Brenda;
Janice;
Joanne;
Kim Guan aka Guan Guan;
Sharon;
Loh hu;
Si Yin