Just received a news from Mr Tim Foo that the final review is postponed on 8 Jan. However, i felt that there are pros and cons as lecturers may have a much higher expectations for you since you having a longer time than expected deadline. I start to question myself about my own personality and character. Did i change a lot since secondary school?? i begin to feel that i am no longer that demure and innocent girl who trust simply everyone. What create this huge change in me?? Losing faith in myself and things i am doing. Simply just tired for anything in my life now at the moment.
I'm really a vulnerable girl simply break down easily at a corner without questioning myself for this behaviour. I just want to escape from it but i know i can't as i have to carry on moving forward. Growing up simply not easy. It is so contradicting that how much you want to grow up when you were a kid and vice versa. Life is simply not a bed of roses. It will destroy you during the time it wants something in return.
I always behave like i am jovial little girl who is so optimistic. Has it been a strong front of myself to protect from any harm or sorrow i will get in the future??? Decided going to the yunnan trip with suaidah and an le. i am not sure whether there are other bme ppl. going to write a diary on my days there to keep note every details and happiness that i have during the trip.
Today really have a bad mood to do anything. There is a virus spread in the school network. The surprised part is that 5 Bmeians have this virus out of 18 for today. shocking to say tat our network is not secured enuff even it has firewall protection. Have the urge to write a poem to describe for i feel towards someone or something in life. tired tired. going to swim again tml. haha to relax myself for 1 day.
i am crying yet again even at home. memories of her is far too much for me to handle. why am i missing her so much? i really want to hug her again and tell her i miss her a lot. why must she be taken away from me. so much questions i really want to ask her. i miss that smile on her face. i miss so many things about her. i know she is around me as i could feel her presence at time. i really miss to see her once more even in my dreams. i am scarred by my past badly but it could be healed the moment i saw her. I was hoping that she could be there for my happiness. unfortunately, i know she could not anymore. Crying over it will not make her wake up from a deep sleep. I always try to hide my real feelings by smiling and assume things will be fine after i smile. I only could let my mask down when i am all by myself. I do not want to show people the vulnerable side of me. If i could turn back the time, i will tell her to take good care of herself and want her to come for my graduation.
It has been a long time since i last blog about my life and people around me. Things have changed quite a bit compared to the past. I had a swim with my cousins, Perrie (10 years old)and Brandon (4 years old). Everything was pretty okay last night. However there is a lachrymose moment or situation. My cousin, perrie speaks every single word about the past and shows how much he miss my granny. I am proud to say that he learnt how to move on with his life with memories of my granny. He always think about her. I truly understand how he felt at that moment as I really breakdown and the first person who i think of is always her. How could such beautiful woman who leave us so early? My memory of her always stays at the day i last went to her house which is 2 days before she died. She keep telling me to take care and always visit my cousins whenever i have a chance to do so. She is the one who truly taught me the way i have to face the path i wanted to go and the only person who really understand me as a special individual. When he said about the moment of her, i really always wanted to cry but have to put on a strong front so that i could protect this cousin of mine. The only way he could ever sleep is holding the pillow he had since a toddler and it is made by her. The amount of missing someone is so unimaginable. I did not really think that kids will learn to miss someone. Since my grandpa and her deaths, a house, which always filled with kids running around and adults update each other about what they have done and gossiping, turned to a deserted house that has no memories of them. Perrie truly miss cousins, aunts and uncles coming to his house and warmth he misses so much. I thought he has grown up and learnt what independent is. I truly forgot a promise that i have made with my late granny. I have neglect him and his feelings through this year. The promise has become like a last responsibility she hope i will fulfil it. The one sentence he ever say to me yesterday that truly make me cried which is "michelle jie jie, please visit me when you are free." It may sound like i am oversensitive but i really feel that he needs me to be there for him once in a while. He still remember the moments that we spent with my first love that i truly forgot about it. The most shocking part is that he could describe every details that day happened. I believe that he misses everyone who cross his path in the past. I did not know my first love made such an impact on him. Perrie thought i have a korean boyfriend now. so hilarious when i saw his reaction of his brother told him that. I believe he will grown up as a "rare" type of guy who truly sentimental and psevere to the end. I really admire him as i as an adult could not do so yet. Always have a moment of giving up. From now on, i should start to have the same mindset as him. A kid who is so inspirational. Hope everything good may happen to him. I saw my aunt punishing my cousin for bullying his sister by hitting her with a cable. I admired him as he did not shed a single tear even though there are hitting marks on his skin. I feel a trace of bias towards his sister and she will be pretty much overprotected or spoilt in the future. She is the one who disturb her brother first. Why the punishment has to be him instead of both of them? The way my aunt hit my cousin was intolerable as the mother will pull her son's hair to ask her son to look at her ears. I know that i have no right to say anything. The way previous generation punish their kids will not be applied for the generation after me. I want them to learn from their mistakes instead of having the hatre in them. Things i have learnt from my experience is that nothing is forever and we have to accept life as it comes instead of hoping this and that will remain the same as the past. Learnt to move on with lots of happy memories that i have.
{*She Loves*}
Chicken Pasta from New York New York
Dim Sum (Ha Kua and Fu Pi Juan)
Sun tan with friends
my darling
my friends
Travelling around the world
{*She Hates*}
people who backstab me
people who blame me for nothing
People who thinks that they are always right
{*Sweeties*}
gwen;
wen xu;
keshia;
sing yen;
sing wei;
shawn ang;
jiaxin;
wei ye;
siao ying;
Jee Cheng;
Adelynn;
Kong Chian;
kai ying;
liang wei;
Shi Qi;
fabian;
Irene;
lay yuen;
yu yin;
Pei Ying;
Salleh;
Marie;
kaiting;
Benedict;
kristie;
desmond;
yi hui;
alex;
Brenda;
Janice;
Joanne;
Kim Guan aka Guan Guan;
Sharon;
Loh hu;
Si Yin